


starproof

by RazzRazzRazz



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Drama, Emails, Emotional Hurt, Gay, Heartbreak, It kinda hurt to write, Long-Distance Relationship, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:15:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 7,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29413989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RazzRazzRazz/pseuds/RazzRazzRazz
Summary: Awsten wanted to go to LA, Otto didn't want to leave Houston. So, after a few fights, Awsten moves away, breaking up with Otto. Months later, Otto tries to get in touch with Awsten again in the only way possible; emails.
Relationships: Awsten Knight/Otto Wood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 15





	1. subject: i miss you

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** I miss you

Hey Aws,

I probably shouldn't do this. You blocked my number for a reason, but I just need to tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you. I want you back, but I know that it's probably too late.

I remember when you first told me you wanted to move to LA. I admit, my reaction wasn't too good. I told you that it was a crazy idea, that most people who move to LA never make it and I shouldn't have done that. I know you, and I know that you'd never give up on your dreams, so I can't fathom how hurtful my words must have been for you. I regret what I said and I am so incredibly sorry.

I really didn't want you to leave me, and I myself was simply too terrified to move away from Houston. We both had our lives here, and I didn't want to leave that behind. I've always been scared of the future, honestly. And moving to a city 1500 miles away only made me more scared.

I regret it now, though. I wish I had gone with you because I feel like I hit a dead end in life and I'm stuck being a person I don't want to be. With you, I felt like I was becoming the person I wanted to be. You were helping me become a better me, but when you left, it felt like everything just broke down. I think I may have relied on you too much, so when you left, it was like the house of cards that I had so carefully built suddenly caved in.

Enough about me, though. How is LA treating you? Is it everything you dreamt of? Are you working on that album you always wanted to write?

I really hope you're happy and you're doing something you love because you've worked incredibly hard for it. And I'd love to be able to visit one of your concerts one day. I'm pretty sure you're going to be playing Madison Square Garden before you even know it!

Anyway, please know that I am sorry for ever hurting you. I still love you and I miss you with all my heart.

Love,

Otto


	2. subject: i cant sleep

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
**To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
**Subject:** I cant sleep

Hi Aws,

It's me again, I guess. I know that you probably don't want to talk to me, and that's okay, I just don't really have anyone else to talk to, at the moment. I mean, it's 4 am and I don't think that anyone is awake. And even if they were, they wouldn't really be able to help.

I was thinking about how you'd cling to my shirt in your sleep and my heart just aches so much that I can't think of anything else anymore. Sleeping has been hard since you left. My bed just seems so cold and empty, no matter how many pillows I cuddle, or how many blankets I use.

I remember the first time you stayed the night. We didn't sleep at all, that night, just too excited to be able to cuddle all night and talking about all kinds of things. I remember at a certain point we were talking about the stars and you told me you often dreamt of being among them, just floating in space and looking at the earth from above. You really loved the stars.

Remember when we drove from Houston to San Antonio, in the middle of the night and we stopped beside the road, simply to look at the stars. You pointed out all the constellations. Whenever I see the stars, I still look for Ursa major, simply because it was your favorite constellation.

Even looking at the stars hurts, though. It reminds me of you, just like everything else in my life does. I need you here again, my lovely, lovely Awsten. I'm ashamed to say it, but I still sleep in the shirt you left at my place, the last time you were here.

I'm finally starting to get sleepy now, so I'll try and go to bed now.

Goodnight, and I wish you nothing but the sweetest dreams.

Love,  
Otto


	3. subject: i saw you on the news

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** I saw you on the news

Hi Aws (or should I call you Kyle Fletchers now?),

I saw you on the news, today. It was just a local channel, but I know it was you. When did you change your hair? I love how pretty the pink looks.

Congratulations on being able to play at warped! I know that this must be such a big step for you and I'm so proud of you! I hope the set went great and you had fun doing it.

Also, did you know they were going to air it, or not? Because it honestly really is an Awsten move to say a fake name on tv.

I tried looking up your band, December's Tragedy, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Was that a fake name, or did you not release any music yet? I would love to support you, even if it's just by streaming your music.

Today was an okay day for me. I didn't cry, for once, so I suppose that's an improvement haha. I still missed you, though and when I went to tell you something, I remembered that the garage is empty again and you don't have your home studio set up there anymore. It hurt, seeing the empty room, so I decided to put my drum set there. Took me almost an hour to take it apart and set it up again in the garage and it's still not completely perfect, but at least it's not empty anymore, now. I do have an empty soundproof room now, though. For now, it's my designated yelling room (/j).

I know for sure that you would love a room like that because you used to yell a lot when you were in the studio, often about how "these goddamn chords are breaking my fingers". I remember you yelled that once, while my mom was there and she got all concerned, but when you came upstairs, you acted as if nothing happened. Remember how she would always remind you to take breaks from playing guitar, after that? She really liked you and wanted what was best for you.

I hope your band takes off, Kyle Fletchers, and that one day, I can actually find your music on Spotify.

Love,  
Otto


	4. subject: RE: i miss you

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com   
**Subject:** RE: I miss you

Hey Otto,

To be honest, I had forgotten that I own this email address and I was a bit surprised, when I got your emails. I don't think I'm actually going to respond to you, I'll just save this to my drafts, but I need to write out all the things I've been thinking about since I got your first email.

I miss you too. Every single morning I turn on my side, expecting to see you there, lying next to me, still asleep, but instead I now look at an empty wall and it breaks my heart every single morning. It's my own fault, for moving to LA, but when we first started dating, I was convinced that you would move with me. You knew that moving here was my dream, even before we went on our first official date and you never really told me that you didn't want to move there. So, when you said you weren't going to move and you told me all that shit about how not many people actually make it in the entertainment industry, I got incredibly upset. I was mad at you for being such a dick and I was mad at myself for even dating you, for making myself choose between my dreams and love. And I chose to follow my dreams, thinking that maybe someone else would come along and love me the way you did, but no one has, yet.

I've been seeking comfort in stupid, meaningless one night stands, but no one could ever make me feel as comforted as you. They don't hold me close and they don't tell me silly little stories about things they did, that day. And it only aches because it makes me miss you more.

I miss braiding your hair, and playing video games, and listening to you drumming. I miss the normalcy, the little habits we had, together, and most of all, I miss how you would hold me, at night.

All the songs I'm writing always seem to be about you and it's honestly driving me insane. Because the more I write, the more I realize that I will never get over you. Otto, I know this may seem crazy, but I think you were the love of my life; my soulmate; my everything. And instead of cherishing that, I let go of you and moved away.

If there is anything in my life that I regret, it's breaking up with you. I'm just not sure if a long-distance relationship would've worked between us, because you know that my main love-language is touch and I'm sure that I would've gone insane if we'd stayed together and I couldn't hold you, and hug you, and just love you the way that I do.

And even though LA has been treating me well and I am finally getting to a place in my career where I can support myself with my music, it all feels meaningless and empty. Because you're not here.

Dear Otto, I am as madly in love with you as I was when we first met and instead of feeling happy, it makes me so indescribably sad. Some nights I lie awake and when I look out of my windows, I can't see any stars. And when I drive away from the city to look up at the night sky, I just want you there. With all the falling stars I see, my only wish is for you to be there next to me; to hold my hand and to get excited when you see a constellation and you point it out to me.

Oh, and about the Kyle Fletchers thing... I didn't know they would actually air that, so when I saw some people tweet about it, I realized that the journalist hadn't actually looked up me, or my band, since there are no actual search results for Kyle Fletchers, or December's Tragedy. I'm out here exposing news channels nowadays, I suppose.

When it happened, I wanted to text you about it immediately, before realizing that we weren't together anymore. That honestly happens a lot.

Maybe one day I'll have the courage to finally text you again, and tell you just how I feel, but for now I'll just keep trying to forget about you, as much as that may hurt.

Love,  
Awsten


	5. subject: RE: i miss you

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com   
**Subject:** RE: I miss you

oh my god otto I didnt mean to send that last email please ignore it I was being stupid. I meant to save it as a draft but I hit send instead.


	6. subject: hi

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** hi

Hey Aws,

I know you said to ignore your email, but it's just extremely hard because this is the first I heard from you ever since we broke up. I really didn't expect to hear anything from you ever. You don't even have to respond to me again, but I would just love to reconnect with you.

Even if you think that a long-distance relationship won't work, that's okay, we can maybe just stay friends, or figure something out but I can't live without you. I need you in my life.

I'm glad that your career is taking off and that moving to LA was the right choice for you. And it's amazing news that you can support yourself with your music! I'm honestly so proud of you because I know just how hard you've been working for that.

How have you been doing, outside of your career? Did you make new friends? And do you have a new favorite coffee place? I know you loved spending time in cafes and just looking at all the people around you. Do you still do that?

Sorry for all the questions. I just missed talking to you.

Again, you don't have to respond to me again. You can block my email address if you want. It's all okay, but I would still love to get to reconnect.

Love,  
Otto


	7. subject: RE: hi

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** RE: hi

**Attached:** crave_demo1.mp3

Hey Otto,

I think I'd like to reconnect with you, but I need my space. So maybe we can just try emailing, first? I want to make sure that this is something I actually want to do.

And I've been doing alright, honestly. I've made a few friends already, most of them are musicians I've met at bars and stuff. One of them, Geoff, helps me with recording my songs a lot! He's a guitarist and honestly, the songs we've been making together sound absolutely sick. I can't wait for everyone to hear them.

Honestly, having 2 guitars, and being able to record them at once really helps with deciding what would sound best. I'm glad I met Geoff and we have actually been talking about starting a band together since we already write a lot together.

Other than that, I have actually been café hunting lately, but I haven't found the perfect place yet. You know I like sitting near the window, but still having a perfect overview of the whole café, but with most cafés, there's always something in the way, like a plant, or people. It's silly that I spend so much time thinking about those meaningless little things, but hey! I just enjoy psychoanalyzing people while I'm having my morning coffee (/hj).

I attached a song to this email! It's one of the first ones that I recorded when I got here. It's called Crave and Geoff actually sings the second verse. He's really just super talented and once we actually start our band I'm probably gonna post the songs on Spotify. Anyways! I'm pretty proud of the song. It's actually the first song I wrote after we broke up, so I'm sorry if the lyrics seem a bit harsh. Let me know what you think of the song, though!

Regards,  
Awsten


	8. subject: im glad to hear from you

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** im glad to hear from you

Hi Aws,

The song sounds absolutely amazing!!! I love it so much, honestly. I really liked the bassline and those drums???? Immaculate. But you know I'm a sucker for some good drums. The lyrics did hurt a little, but I honestly deserve it.

I'm happy you made some friends and it's so exciting that you have plans to actually start a band! I really can't wait to hear more of your music!

And yeah, finding the perfect spot at a café is the most crucial thing in your mornings. And also your creative process. I still remember that you can't work unless you've had your 4 cups of coffee, a cinnamon roll, and a bagel with salmon and cream cheese. And then, at around 3 pm you finally start working until around 5 am.

My sleeping schedule is still messed up because I always loved hearing you play and write new songs and you worked best at night. I never told you this before, but sometimes I would lie awake in bed and listen to you play, and I'd pretend to be asleep when you walked in because I knew you'd feel bad for keeping me awake. I never minded it, though.

I'm just so glad you're doing okay because I honestly have been worrying about you so incredibly much. I know that you sometimes struggle with even getting out of bed in the morning, and sometimes you forget to eat because you're so busy doing things. But to hear that you're doing alright is a huge relief.

I don't know if I told you already, but I got a new job! It's not much, honestly, but I work at a nursing home, to keep the old people company. It's really easy and I know a lot of stories about the past now. Old people honestly love me, even though they confuse me for a woman way more often than I'm willing to admit. I think it's my long hair and the fact I literally can't grow any facial hair.

Also, this may be a stupid question, but I'm going to be in LA all week, next week and I was wondering if you would maybe want to meet up... I understand it if you don't, though!

I hope you have a lovely day.

Love,  
Otto


	9. subject: to ms. wood

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** to Ms. Wood

Dear Otto,

Sorry I messed up your sleeping schedule simply by being an _amazing_ musician (/j)!

And it’s absolutely hilarious that people think you’re a woman. I can just imagine all those old ladies calling you ma’am, and things like that and then getting confused because your name is Otto. You have to tell me, do they think that you’re a woman even after you tell them your name, or not? Because I feel like they still think you’re a woman after that, for some reason (/lh)?? I will now officially refer to you as Ms. Wood (or is it Mrs. Wood???) in any other emails we may sent each other.

I’m happy you have a nice job though and I hope they treat you well there! I know old people can be kinda mean, sometimes, but you just gotta realize that they probably don’t mean it like that. And even if they do, just remember they’re dumb for treating someone who takes care of them rudely. Be nice, though… They’re just old and confused.

And about the whole meeting up thing – I’m not sure about that yet, honestly… I haven’t seen you in months, so it’s just scary to see you again. That, combined with the fact that I am still hurting a lot and I don’t want to do anything stupid if we were to see each other again (I mean, we both know me) is why I don’t want to meet up yet. I’m sorry.

Maybe one day I’ll feel better again, and we can meet up, but for now, let’s both keep our distance.

Regards,  
Awsten


	10. subject: im in la

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
**To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
**Subject:** im in la

 **Attached:** sunset260818.jpeg

Hi Aws,

It’s still Ms. Wood! And a lot of the people in the nursing home are indeed confused. At this point, I’ve just accepted that they call me miss, so it’s alright. For some reason, I don’t really mind being called that because I know they mean well.

And yeah, I understand that you don’t want to meet up, yet. I know that I asked that way too early and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for that.

I’m in LA now, though and the weather is so nice! It was incredibly hot in Houston and though it’s not a lot better here, at least I can go swimming here to cool off a little! Last night, the sunset looked amazing, so I took a picture for you. It’s attached to this email!

The reason I’m in LA is because a friend of mine rented an Airbnb for 5 weeks, but they ended up not being able to stay there, so they invited me to stay there for a week. The house is pretty small, but it’s nice to get out of my own house for a while. I love Houston, but everything was reminding me of you and the things I did wrong, so this is a nice change of scenery.

I think I’m going on a hike tomorrow and after that I’m gonna go for a swim, just to calm down completely and get away from the city completely. Look at me being all healthy for once! /j

Love,  
Otto


	11. subject: haha im sad sorry

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
**To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
**Subject:** haha im sad sorry

Hey Otto,

I hope you came back safely after your hike! And I totally get what you mean about not wanting to stay at home all the time.

Thanks for being understanding about the meeting up thing. I really appreciate that you just understand it. I do have a show at The Boardroom, tomorrow night, and if you want you, maybe you can come by and watch? I don’t know, I wouldn’t mind, as long as you kept your distance, of course. I would really like it if you saw me perform live, now that I’m further in my music career and I have become more comfortable with my own style of music and I have more well-developed songs.

And that picture of the sunset you sent looked so pretty. It reminds me of when we went surfing together that one time we were on vacation in Miami. Do you remember how much I struggled with getting my wetsuit off afterwards? Because I still have the video you took on my phone and it makes me laugh every time.

I’ve been thinking about the memories we have together, lately, and I realize that we have more good than bad memories together. The only bad things I can think of is that fight we had about getting a cat, and our breakup. And even the whole cat thing was resolved in the end and we still got Mr. Snuffles. He’s been doing well, he misses you though. Some days he sits at the front door waiting for you to come home and it honestly hurts my heart.

I’ve been kind of sad lately, anyways. I miss being able to come home to someone after a long day and I’ve just been thinking about the past a lot. I’m sorry we didn’t work out, O… I’m sorry that I didn’t give you the chance to explain why you didn’t want to leave Houston, and I’m sorry I didn’t stay for a bit longer, to see if you could change your mind, or if we could figure something out.

Yeah, I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Love,  
Awsten


	12. subject: RE: haha im sad sorry

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** RE: haha im sad sorry

Hi Aws,

I’ll try to make it to your show! I’m honestly just super excited to see you perform because I’ve never actually seen you play in front of a live audience. I’m going to be your biggest fan, but at a respectful distance haha

And yeah, I do remember when we went surfing together and you couldn’t get the wetsuit off. You fell like three times, trying to pull your legs out of it and it’s still hilarious. We had a lot of fun together, didn’t we? We just always had something to do and even now that we’re not together anymore, I still think of a lot of things we should do together. I keep a list, just in case.

And I’m so sorry you feel sad. If you want to, you can vent to me all you want. I know that I may not be able to help a lot, but I’m sure that talking will help. I could give my own view on things and try to give you a different perspective. Sometimes that helps.

I hope you’ll feel better soon because I hate knowing you’re sad. You don’t deserve to feel that way, honestly.

Love,  
Otto


	13. subject: no subject

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:**

Hi O,

I’m so fucking nervous right now. I just peeked at the crowd and there are so many people. I’m really not sure if I can perform for that many people and I just want to run away right now, but I know I shouldn’t because there are people who came to see me perform. Not just some random artist, they genuinely came to see me. And it’s really scary because I don’t want to disappoint anyone and I don’t want people to hate my music.

I really don’t know what to do right now and I’m just about to have a panic attack.

I know I shouldn’t email you because it’s not like you can do anything about it, but I just need to rant about how I’m feeling and you said you were okay with it.

I just don’t know if I can do it. And I don’t want to fuck up in front of so many people. I don’t want to fuck up in front of you.

I’m sorry I even asked you to come. That was probably a weird thing to do and I shouldn’t have done that because it’s just going to hurt.

Otto, everything is just such a mess and it’s constantly overwhelming me to the point where I don’t get out of bed because it doesn’t feel like I’m accomplishing anything. I try to keep looking up at the stars and point out the constellations for myself, but the light of the stars doesn’t affect me anymore. I don’t feel joy anymore when I look up the night sky.

I’ve got to go now. I gotta go on stage in 10 minutes.

Im sorry for everything and I hope you enjoy the show, even if I mess up.

Love,  
Awsten


	14. subject: it's going to be okay

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** it’s going to be okay

Hi Aws,

You did amazing. The show was so incredible and everyone loved it. And so did I.

I’m so incredibly proud of you and I’m thankful that you asked me to come because I really enjoyed myself.

I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling so depressed lately. I know that things are hard and messy, but that doesn’t mean they’re always going to be like that. I know that I may be part of the reason that you feel this way, and I know that I probably shouldn’t say this, but life will always go on, no matter what happens, and no matter who you have to say goodbye to.

And it hurts like Hell, sometimes it makes you want to never talk to anyone ever again and just hide in bed for the rest of your life, but if you just keep pushing through the bad times, things will be okay again.

I know how much things hurt, Aws, I really do. But I also know that things eventually do get better again, and one day you’ll look back at this and feel proud because you got through it.

I wish I could be there for you and help you get out of bed, just by making you breakfast, or forcing you to come along on my hikes, like I always used to. I really, really wish I could still do all that for you, and make you feel better. But all I can do is send these emails and hope that they help you, even if it’s just a little bit.

Things are going to be okay again. Please remember that Aws.

Love,  
Otto


	15. subject: fuck you

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** fuck you

You do fucking realize that you could’ve still made me breakfast and you could’ve forced me to come along on your hikes if you hadn’t messed everything up, right? It’s all your fault that I feel this way and that things are all fucked up and it’s your fault that I can’t even get out of bed in the morning, because the fucking pain I feel every single fucking morning because I’m all alone, is simply paralyzing.

You should’ve just come along to LA and you should’ve listened to me when I was talking about my dreams and plans, but instead you were a selfish asshole who didn’t think about how I felt. It was always just about you you you and I came in 2nd place.

If you hadn’t a stupid fucking dickhead we would still be fine, and I would still be fine and our lives would be fucking fine.

I fucking hate you for doing what you did and I feel so conflicted because I love you so much and I just want you back.

why cant you just be here and make things better


	16. subject: sorry

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** sorry

Im sorry, I didn’t mean to say all those things in my last email. I just got very upset and I was kinda tipsy. I hope youre not too upset.


	17. subject: RE: fuck you

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** RE: fuck you

Awsten,

I understand that you’re mad at me. You have all the right to be, but please know that I regret my decisions. I didn’t mean to be such an asshole, and I’ve explained it to you before, but I just got so defensive and scared and that’s why I said the things I said. I regret saying those things, and I regret not coming along.

I would do everything to get you back, trust me. I would move to the other side of the globe if I had to. But you told me it wasn’t a good idea to try again, and I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.

I’m sorry if the things I said and did are making you feel so depressed, but I don’t really know what I can do. I’ve apologized already, and I’m really trying my best to help you via email, but I don’t know how else I can help, at this point.

It’s frustrating, honestly, because I want you to feel better and I want you to be happy, but I can’t do a lot. So please tell me, what can I possibly do to make things better for you, Aws? I would like to know, so I can help you feel better.

Sorry if this isn’t the response you want from me, but it’s all I can do, right now.

Love,  
Otto


	18. subject: i really am sorry

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
**To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
**Subject:** I really am sorry

Otto,

The thing that would make me feel better is if you were here. I know what I said before, that I needed time and space, but at this point all I need is you here.

So please, can we go out for coffee sometime this week? I want to talk to you in real life again, because this is getting frustrating.

I’m still incredibly sorry for my outburst, I didn’t mean to get mad at you and tell you that it’s all your fault because it’s not. I can’t blame you for my mental state, that’s really just unfair of me.

I would really just love to make it up to you because I was being a dick and I shouldn’t have been. So please let me know if you’d like to get coffee, or if I permanently fucked things up between us.

Love,  
Awsten


	19. subject: meeting up

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** meeting up

Awsten,

Before we meet up, I really want to make sure that it’s absolutely something you want. Are you sure that you’re not just being impulsive because you’re upset and you hope that this will fix things? I know you have a tendency to do that and I just want to make sure that that’s not what’s happening right now.

I would love to meet up though, maybe at the Starbucks near Mulholland drive? It’s okay if you change your mind though.

I’d really like to see you again and talk through everything that happened between us, even if it’s just for closure.

But again, please think about it first and don’t do anything you’re going to regret, or that’s going to hurt you in any way.

Love,  
Otto


	20. subject: RE: meeting up

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
**To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
**Subject** RE: meeting up

Dear Otto,

I won’t regret seeing you again, honestly. I’ve been thinking of seeing you again ever since I moved away from Houston. I just need to hear your voice again and I need to be able to talk to you in real life, and just fix things between us. Because they’ll only keep hurting, right now.

I’d love to meet up at Starbucks. Maybe we can meet tomorrow, at like, 10am? Let me know if that works for you.

And I don’t expect everything to be perfect again, as soon as we meet up, it really is going to take some time, and honestly I am willing to take as much time as we need to at least talk things through and get closure.

I know that maybe you don’t ever want to try dating again and you want to stay in Houston, but I feel like maybe we would have a chance to make things work again. I’m really sorry if that’s not what you want and please do tell me, if that’s the case because I don’t want things to be weird simply because I have some unrealistic expectations.

Love,  
Awsten


	21. subject: tomorrow !!

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** tomorrow !!  


Dear Awsten,

Houston hasn’t been great, lately. My parents have been rude about me having to find a girlfriend, and the remaining friends I have mostly took your side. They all think I’m an asshole, and I definitely don’t blame them, but still just hurts when we see each other and they just pass me without saying anything.

Jawn is the only one who still talks to me, from time to time, but I know that he’s also on your side, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an asshole too. I just want friends who aren’t against me, at this point because the amount of self-hatred I’ve started to feel is really just getting a bit unbearable, from time to time. I just never let myself think about it long enough to realize just how bad things have gotten. But now that I’ve been staying at this little Airbnb in LA, I’ve really been feeling the effect that everything has had on me and I want things to get better again.

Aws, maybe it’s time for me to leave Houston too and move on with my life. And I’m sorry that I’m only now realizing this because if I’d just thought about all of this earlier, nothing bad would’ve happened and we’d both be happy.

I’m still terrified of the future and I’m still terrified of moving away from my old life, but it just feels like there’s not a lot left for me, in Houston.

I really would love to meet up tomorrow and that time works for me! I’m honestly kind of nervous, but also excited to finally see you again and talk to you in real life again.

I’ll see you tomorrow, Aws.

Love,  
Otto


	22. subject: today !!

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** today !!

Hi O,

I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like that, but I’m happy that you’re starting to realize what does make you feel better and what your possibilities are. We can talk about it more in a few hours, if you want? I know we have a lot of things to talk about, but I honestly have all day to talk, if that’s what we need.

I’m kind of afraid that I may come across as way too eager and overbearing, but I really just mean well. And you have to tell me if it’s too much.

It’s okay that you’re only now realizing that you want to leave Houston. It’s better that you took your own time and you are sure about these kinds of things because if you’d moved to LA and realized you didn’t like it, I think the whole situation would’ve spiraled out of control even more than it already did.

It’s really not an easy decision to make, and thinking back to everything that happened in the last months, I think maybe it’s better that everything happened, as shitty as that may sound.

Anyway, I’m so incredibly excited to see you again. I woke up really early this morning and I couldn’t sleep anymore, simply because I really just want to see you, honestly. Sorry if that sounds weird, but we’ve been talking for about a week now and I just realized how much I actually missed that.

Love,  
Awsten


	23. the meetup

Otto looks at his phone, reading the last email Awsten had sent over and over again. He hadn’t responded yet, mainly because he’d only woken up at 9 am and he was in a hurry to get ready.

Though, for some reason, he’d ended up being way too early, so now he was sitting in the Starbucks by himself, with 15 minutes to spare. He had been reading back their conversations, and he was starting to feel more and more nervous because he wasn’t sure if Awsten was actually going to be happy to see him, or if he was going to get mad and yell at him. Awsten could be a bit unpredictable from time to time and Otto had learned to live with it, but they’d never been in this situation before, so he was kind of scared.

He looks up from his phone, seeing Awsten walk into the store and he smiles softly, waving at him a little. Awsten immediately rushes up to him, and Otto gets up from his chair. For a second, they stand in front of each other awkwardly, and Otto can feel his heartbeat speed up, scared that Awsten was mad. He feels a bit calmer when Awsten hugs him tightly, though and he hugs him back tightly, hiding his face in Awsten’s hair. He really never wanted to ever let go again.

“I-I missed you so much… Oh my God, I just- fuck, O…” Awsten mutters softly and Otto just tears up badly. Awsten sniffles a little, hiding in Otto’s chest, still not letting him go.

“I can’t live without you and I’m sorry we fucked everything up so badly. I didn’t mean to ever just leave… we just got so defensive and we got mad at each other and I felt scared, so I ran away,” Awsten rambles and Otto just pulls back slightly, cupping Awsten’s cheeks.

“It’s okay, Aws… It’s all okay, don’t wory about it, okay?” he says softly and Awsten nods a little, looking at Otto with big eyes.

“O-Okay… We should get some coffee and talk everything through, O…” He answers and Otto nods.

“Yeah, let’s go do that. I honestly can’t wait to talk everything through and make sure things can get better between us.”

\---

After both ordering drinks, Awsten and Otto sit down at their table. Otto looks at his cup, where the barista had written his name with little smileys in the O’s. Awsten’s name had been written wrong, like always. Otto remembers when Awsten had first changed his name. Everyone constantly kept struggling with spelling it right, and it just cracked Awsten up every single time. Otto remembered just how cute Awsten had looked, when he first told Otto about changing his name. He’d been so happy about it.

“So…” Awsten starts softly, looking at his own cup.

“Yeah…” Otto mutters. “I just wanted to personally apologize for everything I did wrong, Aws… I know I’ve apologized over email a million times now, but I never got the chance to do it in real life.”

Awsten puts his hands on Otto’s before giving him a soft smile.

“It’s okay, at this point. I’ve honestly forgiven you, Otto. I understand where you were coming from and I realize that we both were being shitty. And we should’ve acted more maturely at the time, but maybe all of this is better, in a way..?”

Otto nods. “We’ve both gotten to the realization that Houston may not be the best place to stay for the rest of our lives, at our own pace. I think that, if I’d moved to LA months ago, I wouldn’t have been happy, but I feel like I really would be happy if I were to move now.”

Awsten smiles softly. “You know, I’m still looking for a new roommate. My old roommate ditched me, a few weeks ago. And maybe if you stay at the Airbnb for a bit longer, we can keep meeting up and see if that’s a good idea!”

Otto grins and nods. “Yeah, exactly! And it gives me the chance to get things started here, and get used to LA!”

Awsten takes a sip of his drink and Otto can see just how happy he is.

“Have you told everyone back in Houston yet?” He asks softly and Otto laughs a little.

“Oh my god, absolutely not… everyone is going to freak out and I honestly just want to wait for a little bit. You know how my parents can get.”

“Yeah, I remember your parents’ reaction to me even bringing up the idea… They got so upset and protective over you…”

“Yeah… Now imagine if I tell them that I’ve actually made the choice and I’m moving away. They’ll flip their shit, honestly. I didn’t even tell them I’d be staying in an Airbnb here.”

Awsten shakes his head a little and sighs. “I get wanting to be close to your kids, but they would probably lock you up if they could.”

“Yeah, exactly… I don’t really know how our… well, now just your friends are going to respond. They really said some hurtful things to me, and I definitely don’t think they’re going to be happy with us talking again, and possibly moving in together again.”

Awsten frowns a little. “What did they say? Cause I’ve always told them that I didn’t want them to choose a side because it would be unfair.”

“They all think I’m an asshole and that I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life, even after I expressed to them that I wasn’t doing well and I could use some company. They were really rude about it, honestly and it just sucked…”

Awsten frowns more, not saying anything for a few seconds, just looking at the table in front of him and following some of the scratches with his fingers.

“Who was rude to you? I want to know because I don’t want to be friends with people who apparently couldn’t be there for someone when he needed them most. That’s fucking unacceptable, no matter what.”

Otto shrugs, showing the group chat he’d had with some of their friends, and the things they’d said when he’d reached out to them. Awsten reads the texts, before grabbing his own phone.

“I’m going to text them right fucking now because this makes me incredibly mad. That’s so fucked up, O, and I’m so sorry that happened to you…”

Otto shrugs. “It’s okay, I’m feeling better now! And I mean, I’m talking to you again and I feel like things are really going well, so I don’t really care about that anymore…”

“That’s good, hon- Otto… And I feel like things are going really well too! It’s almost as if nothing ever really happened, and I kind of like it… even if that may sound weird… I just like that we can talk like this again and that things aren’t awkward, or something..!” Awsten says softly. He carefully puts a hand on Otto.

“I missed you so much… and I’m so happy you’re here…”


	24. subject: I had fun today :)

**From:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **To:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** I had fun today :)

Hi O!

I just wanted to say that it was incredibly good to see you again and I really would love to see each other again, somewhere this week. Maybe we could talk about the whole moving thing and if you’re really serious about that, I could help you with some things I was struggling with when I moved.

Today just felt good and I’m so happy we talked through everything. It feels like we can really start over again now.

Maybe it’s a bit silly that I’m still emailing you, but I just felt like this was appropriate, for some reason. I know we’ve been texting the whole time already, but maybe we can keep up the emails so we’re always communicating about things. I just want to make sure that we do everything right, this time.

I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go on a date, in 2 days? I saw this really nice restaurant near the beach that I would love to go to, and it’d make me happy if you’d come along!

I’m excited to see what the future has to bring for us, and I’m incredibly hopeful! I feel like things are going to be great!

Love,  
Awsten


	25. Subject: meeting up again!!

**From:** Otto_w@gmail.com  
 **To:** AustinNight@gmail.com  
 **Subject:** meeting up again!!

Hey Aws!

I had fun too!! And I’m just so happy to have seen you again!

The whole moving thing was serious, and I would love it if you could help me with everything. I still haven’t told my parents and I think I may just wait until I’ve actually moved until I tell them.

I’d love to go on that date in 2 days, but maybe we could meet up tomorrow too, just to talk about the moving process and everything? I’m definitely going to stay in the Airbnb for a while and I’m also going to have to find another Airbnb because my friend is going to come back in a few days. I found a really nice one, but I was wondering if maybe you have access to a car, so I can bring all my things to the new Airbnb.

I was thinking that – if you want to meet up tomorrow and you have time – maybe we could do that and then go to the beach, just to relax and talk some more! I know we still have a lot of catching up to do, since a lot has happened in your life and you’ve made a lot of changes and I would love to know about all that. Let me know if you’d like to do that too!

And I agree about the emails, maybe it helps us a little to keep this going while we also meet up, and we text because when sending emails, I think about what I’m saying a lot more and I take more time writing it. Sometimes it even helps with thinking things through, because writing things down really helps.

I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,  
Otto


End file.
